Lighten Up

[nogc_noproblem]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion...

..., multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what a happened.

“Well, it was like this,’ said the man. “I was having a quite round of golf with my wife when a at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows has something white in its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the gold ball with my wife’s monogram on it … stuck right in the middle of the Cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

‘What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like Yours!”

[StuckInTheMuck]

Great going folks
Here is one (paraphrased from another):

Hello, and welcome to the USCIS Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, hit your head with the handset. If you have COLTS, hang up and check your LUD here...

[nogc_noproblem]

A guy in a bar was talking about how he always watched his wedding video backwards.

When asked why, he replied:

"Coz I love the end bit where she takes the ring off her finger, goes back down the aisle, and jumps in the car and disappears..."

[nogc_noproblem]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[nogc_noproblem]

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray...
... and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

[punjabi]

A doctor had just finished a physical well-check session with one of his patients, when he realized he got a bit carried away with the procedure. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to do it with one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have done it with their patients so its not like you're the first". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, " but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[nogc_noproblem]

We've been trying to save money because the mortgage payments ...

... were pretty tough to work with. I don't reckon I drink too much beer, maybe a carton on weekends with the boys, but she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore. Well, it was tough, but I quit.

Then the credit card statement came in, with $150 spent on cosmetics. So I asked how come I had to give up stuff but she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

[punjabi]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a rudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!"

[StuckInTheMuck]

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"

[nogc_noproblem]

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion...

... he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

[StuckInTheMuck]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, Dickie. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[nogc_noproblem]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary ...

... in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and... abracadabra!.... two tickets for the new Queen Mary2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and .... abracadabra! ....the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men might be ungrateful idiots... But fairies are....female!

[nogc_noproblem]

The ten Commandments of married life

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That's why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished....

[nogc_noproblem]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died ...

... Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

... when will men ever learn!

[nogc_noproblem]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."