Lighten Up

[nogc_noproblem]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

[nogc_noproblem]

A man realizes he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he is unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asks the clerk.

"That depends," says the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2 model," the customer says.

The clerk puts the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he says.

"How does it work?" the customer asks.

"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replies. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

[meridiani.planum]

Originally Posted by gcdreamer05

ha ha ha cannot stop replying for me the guy going up is EB2 and the guy going down is EB3, unfortunately im going down......

all until the one going down hits a trampoline and the one going up hits a ceiling. Then they reverse course. The trampoline and ceiling are the visa bulletins:

http://travel.state.gov/visa/frvi/bu...etin_3897.html
(Jan 2008: EB2India 2000, EB3India2001)

http://travel.state.gov/visa/frvi/bu...etin_3953.html
(Mar 2008: EB2India U, EB3India 2001)

http://travel.state.gov/visa/frvi/bu...etin_4205.html
(May 2008: EB2India 2004, EB3India2001)

Dont lose heart EB3 guys, the DOS/USCIS have no idea how to move the visa bulletins. what looks good now, may not look good next month...

[StuckInTheMuck]

Originally Posted by meridiani.planum

all until the one going down hits a trampoline and the one going up hits a ceiling. Then they reverse course. The trampoline and ceiling are the visa bulletins:

Neat

[nogc_noproblem]

How to tell the sex of a fly

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah, 5 .... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

[lord_labaku]

Other than the July 07 USCIS debacle reversal thread, this is the best thread in IV so far.

[chintu25]

Originally Posted by lord_labaku

Other than the July 07 USCIS debacle reversal thread, this is the best thread in IV so far.

This is the chill pill for all of us ....................

[thomachan72]

I am going to lodge a complaint with the IV administrators to close this thread. My belly muscles are hurting bad by laughing continuously. Wow friends, this is a selected lists, "cream from all the jokes". Please keep it going

[nogc_noproblem]

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent . . .

. . . and the last instruction from the Mother Superior was that they not get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

"Who is it?," called one of the nuns.

"The blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. Deciding that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door.

"Nice butt, sister," said the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[gcbikari]

Bihar Driving License...

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------------------ -----------------------


NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________
Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy
thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your
thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht
hand.

NOTE: IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS .

[s_r_e_e]

Originally Posted by pappu

Here is what happened.
All monkeys also interfiled and became lions.

that was a good one.
________
Web shows

[gcbikari]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


*********

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.


*********

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


*********

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


*********

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him..

Morals of this story

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!

[nogc_noproblem]

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random . . .

"Salvation Army," was the answer.
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

[americandesi]

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

[nogc_noproblem]

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "She's pregnant, in labor and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.

"NO, YOU IDIOT" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"