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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 12:07 PM
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Talking Lighten Up

Guys ,
The "mahaul"(environment) seems so Tense around the IV forums that I thought of making a thread to share some light humor / Jokes etc

Here are some funny quotes to start with

I don't think President fully understands this immigration thing.
Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible
when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Immigrant To Work Day
here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without
Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the
good ol' days." --Jay Leno
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 12:14 PM
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Default Management

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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  #3 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 12:19 PM
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Default

Nice one
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 12:33 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by chintu25 View Post
A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

Good One
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  #5 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 12:44 PM
ajm ajm is offline
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Default Some math humor

A random number generator is like sex:
When its good, it's wonderful,
And when its bad, it's still pretty good.
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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 01:03 PM
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Default My turn to post one liners

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.


2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.


3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master


4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage


5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".


6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.


8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.


9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.


10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.


11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.


12. Classic: A book which people praise, but doesn’t read.


13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.


18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.


19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.


20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.


21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.


23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."


24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.


25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


26. Father: A banker provided by nature.


27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
caught.


28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.


29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after the elections.


30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 01:23 PM
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Default

I am requesting an amendment to the spelling of "mahaul".
I think it would sound better if we spelled it as "mahole"



Quote:
Originally Posted by chintu25 View Post
Guys ,
The "mahaul"(environment) seems so Tense around the IV forums that I thought of making a thread to share some light humor / Jokes etc

Here are some funny quotes to start with

I don't think President fully understands this immigration thing.
Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible
when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Immigrant To Work Day
here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without
Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the
good ol' days." --Jay Leno
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If my post has been helpful, please consider contributing to immigrationvoiceThank you.
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  #8 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 01:55 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefulgc View Post
I am requesting an amendment to the spelling of "mahaul".
I think it would sound better if we spelled it as "mahole"
Mohol -->
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  #9 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:27 PM
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nogc_noproblem has a spectacular aura about nogc_noproblem has a spectacular aura about nogc_noproblem has a spectacular aura about
Smile

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border.

Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law"

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:33 PM
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Default

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

Why after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither them could speak Spanish.
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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:41 PM
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Default

Tourists in the Museum of Natural History ...

...were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'

The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:44 PM
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Default

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch.

So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words: Psycho-the-rapist
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:49 PM
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Default

I was recently riding with a friend of mine.
We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why'd You Do That?!"

He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 02:51 PM
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Default

A blonde was mowing her lawn when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat...

which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her, along with the tail to the local Walmart.

Why Walmart???

Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 03:10 PM
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Default

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice...

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
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