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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 11:06 AM
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sufferer is on a distinguished road
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Hi,
I been a member of IV for a long time and just to keep myself anonymous for a while I created this account. I am so sorry for opening a thread in a completely irrelevant forum but I have no idea what to do. So, I request all the members to please help me by providing some kind of information.

Here is my story:

I came to US in 2002 and completed masters and been working since then. I got married couple of years ago. Whatever the monetary gifts the girls parents gave as part of the marriage, I put all that in an account on the girls name within 2 days of the marriage. We came to India and from then on the problems started. She and her parents want me to separate from my parents and support their family by sending money to their parents which I couldn't do. How can I leave my parents in their old age when they worked very hard to give a decent life. She has been harassing me mentally for this all the time. Recently her parents have been threatening me saying they will file dowry case in India if I don't send money or cut myself off from my parents. I provided for the girl in all possible ways, even encouraged her to join school to get a masters degree which she stopped soon. We had a baby recently and my parents visited us to help us with the baby. She started harassing them too by saying something or other.

I am very frustrated at this situation and I don't know what to do. I am on H1B and applied for 485 too. At times I feel like applying for divorce but when I think about my little baby I am not able to take that step. The house we currently live in, I bought long before the marriage. It came to a situation where we cannot live together. I cannot ask her to go out of the house because she doesn't have anywhere to go and with the baby even if she leaves, it will be very tough. I said I will leave the house and stay in a apartment for which she threatens to commit suicide. So, I don't know what to do. I am worried about my baby because between all this my baby's life will be spoiled and I don't want that. Can anyone please tell me what I can do in this matter?

Thank you very much for taking time to read this.
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 11:25 AM
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snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute
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Originally Posted by sufferer View Post
Hi,
I been a member of IV for a long time and just to keep myself anonymous for a while I created this account. I am so sorry for opening a thread in a completely irrelevant forum but I have no idea what to do. So, I request all the members to please help me by providing some kind of information.

Here is my story:

I came to US in 2002 and completed masters and been working since then. I got married couple of years ago. Whatever the monetary gifts the girls parents gave as part of the marriage, I put all that in an account on the girls name within 2 days of the marriage. We came to India and from then on the problems started. She and her parents want me to separate from my parents and support their family by sending money to their parents which I couldn't do. How can I leave my parents in their old age when they worked very hard to give a decent life. She has been harassing me mentally for this all the time. Recently her parents have been threatening me saying they will file dowry case in India if I don't send money or cut myself off from my parents. I provided for the girl in all possible ways, even encouraged her to join school to get a masters degree which she stopped soon. We had a baby recently and my parents visited us to help us with the baby. She started harassing them too by saying something or other.

I am very frustrated at this situation and I don't know what to do. I am on H1B and applied for 485 too. At times I feel like applying for divorce but when I think about my little baby I am not able to take that step. The house we currently live in, I bought long before the marriage. It came to a situation where we cannot live together. I cannot ask her to go out of the house because she doesn't have anywhere to go and with the baby even if she leaves, it will be very tough. I said I will leave the house and stay in a apartment for which she threatens to commit suicide. So, I don't know what to do. I am worried about my baby because between all this my baby's life will be spoiled and I don't want that. Can anyone please tell me what I can do in this matter?

Thank you very much for taking time to read this.
It’s very sad...I believe the problem is your in-laws and their influence on your wife. You have to make your wife understand that. Why don’t you try counseling?

Make sure you are not getting into any legal issues here as well as in India...It might cost your GC in the worst case. But I am not sure.

Also record all the conversation with your in-laws and wife when they are black mailing you. Keep all the evidence. It might save you if things go wrong.

This is what I would do I were in your position.

1. Try to convince and make her understand.
2. Try to avoid all her parent's influence on her, if needed I would cut off her from her parents.
3. Take her for counseling.
4. Prepare for the worst case and hope for the best case.

Best of luck

Last edited by snathan; 02-07-2009 at 11:30 AM.
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  #3 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 03:22 PM
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orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold orangutan is a splendid one to behold
Default

I myself in the similar situation. My wife wants to send money to her parents every month (BTW her 2 sister and brother live in US since long time). I did a lot for her parents till last year which I stopped. I help them, when they have money they give it to other family members instead of me. Any way the story is, it took lot of time i.e around 2 years to councel my wife to make her understand.

I told her I can't buy House, no Private Schools, no high end cars. I asked her to make a decision. I clearly expalined her my vision about my career, my view towards the life. She did not completely understand but at this point she is not forcing me (good thing).

Don't give up, just keep explaining about life. she will get it at some point.
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 03:42 PM
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Nice to see something other than economy down, GC crisis. How your wife manage to do all this. I have two sisters and both are working hard to feed their in law, even before marriage their mother in law asked for giving 20% money to her son (doctor), so he can study, arrange all facilities for him.

So I am really not understanding how your wife can do all this to you? My sister's shoul take lessons from her.
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  #5 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 03:52 PM
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First of all I am really sorry for all this happening to you. Unfortunately, this is happening more and more since the anti-dowry laws have been made which are so ridiculous. Females get the credit of being innocence from our society even if they are not. All they need to do is be 1. somewhat beautiful, 2. sob in society and 3. be young and everybody on the earth thinks that they are "poor , innocent girl" ..even if they are perfect culprits.
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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 09:17 PM
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rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts
Default nowadays, girls are too much ...

nowadays, girls are too much ...

Days are gone where man used to trouble woman.
Nowadays it is very much opposite...
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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 09:44 PM
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snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute
Red face

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Originally Posted by rajpatelemail View Post
nowadays, girls are too much ...

Days are gone where man used to trouble woman.
Nowadays it is very much opposite...
Ya its very much true...so dont marry.
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  #8 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 12:27 AM
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rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts rajpatelemail is infamous around these parts
Default i am going to marry my sister's daughter.. Sweet girl

i am going to marry my sister's daughter.. Sweet girl

All the girls are not like that.

anyway my comments are about the crazy, career oriented, tradition less girls. And most of teh US girls are like that. Ofcourse not 100%, there may be few jewels..
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  #9 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 01:59 AM
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snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute snathan has a reputation beyond repute
Default

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Originally Posted by rajpatelemail View Post
i am going to marry my sister's daughter.. Sweet girl

All the girls are not like that.

anyway my comments are about the crazy, career oriented, tradition less girls. And most of teh US girls are like that. Ofcourse not 100%, there may be few jewels..
Congrats...!!! Welcome on board.
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 02:06 AM
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bugmenot is just really nice bugmenot is just really nice bugmenot is just really nice bugmenot is just really nice
Default

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Originally Posted by rajpatelemail View Post
i am going to marry my sister's daughter.. Sweet girl

All the girls are not like that.

anyway my comments are about the crazy, career oriented, tradition less girls. And most of teh US girls are like that. Ofcourse not 100%, there may be few jewels..
uh???
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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 02:59 AM
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gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future
Default in-laws to out-laws

Unfortunately, I had to deal with my so-called high society, dim-wit, shame-less, tradition-less-good-for-nothing in-laws (my wife's parents n all). They wanted me to run their family too and were becoming a kind of big emotional/medical liability and financial burden on me (although, they had ALL resources and I assume LOT of money too. After tolerating and caring for nearly a decade, I HAD to DUMP them 9-years ago (after I landed in US) as they were becoming too much for me. They will care only for their own-self (will never bother to see even if you like it or not), will never care if it will be convenient to me in high demanding professional job. They will never shy an opprtunity to brag, steal/rob credit for anything even not remotely linked to them and were simply loose-mouths.

They could dare not to open-up again. But this 'Dumping' slowly and gradually has affected my family life. I really donot understand what tradition-less craps in the society there or here finally gain...If they are not capable of rejoicing the prosperity of their own daughter's family. I believe, it is actually not so common as any normal well thinking individual will never ever do this. I can never think even in worst of my times, if I can do any of that stuff to my two growing up daughters. Well this is first-ever I opened my heart anywhere..

I only pray 'God bless our family (GBOF)' as you see in my IV-handle
..gbof..

Last edited by gbof; 02-08-2009 at 03:36 AM.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 03:39 AM
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If the girl is working and earning money, she has all the rights to spend the way she wants, including giving money to her parents. If she is not working, then help should be based only on humanitarian basis because we never know when one's financial situation changes. I can't understand how any girl can force her husband to spend for her parents and siblings especially when she is not earning.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 04:02 AM
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gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future gbof has a brilliant future
Default

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Originally Posted by gcisadawg View Post
If the girl is working and earning money, she has all the rights to spend the way she wants, including giving money to her parents. If she is not working, then help should be based only on humanitarian basis because we never know when one's financial situation changes. I can't understand how any girl can force her husband to spend for her parents and siblings especially when she is not earning.
I fully support need based humantarian help. Irrespective of daughter earning or not, most
parents (in middle class) in india WILL not accept beyond a token. Gifts/help to siblings is some what natural. There is a limit to everything and people should understand this and draw a line.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 05:46 AM
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Default

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Originally Posted by gcisadawg View Post
If the girl is working and earning money, she has all the rights to spend the way she wants, including giving money to her parents. If she is not working, then help should be based only on humanitarian basis because we never know when one's financial situation changes. I can't understand how any girl can force her husband to spend for her parents and siblings especially when she is not earning.
True, but what i have seen in the past is that the women thinks whatever man earns is to run the family, pay for medical, schools, rent , bills and save for the future of the family and what girl earns is for jewlery dresses or her parents.
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Old 02-08-2009, 06:24 AM
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unseenguy is just really nice unseenguy is just really nice unseenguy is just really nice unseenguy is just really nice unseenguy is just really nice
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You need to take control of your family. The problem is that you allowed your inlaws to take control of your family. Second problem is that at the time of delivery the girl probably wanted her parents to come to US but you probably called your parents and she didnt like this nor did her parents. But that does not mean her parents will emotionally blackmail her.

1) You should tell your inlaws politely and candidly that they are interfering in your family and that needs to stop. Also communicate with your inlaws through your wife. Do not communicate with them directly. You did not marry them. They are no body to you, legally.

2) Your wife is under immense stress due to baby and parental pressure to control her. Her parents are trying to control your family through her. This is not the time to talk about separation because she has a young baby and she needs you as much as you need your baby. So you have to tell your wife what your inlaws are doing is not acceptable and just be firm that you will not tolerate it if she wants to live with you. And let her choose between her parents and you. This will be hard but you have to show some mental toughness.

3) When you got married , you started new family, you moved out of family of your parents. Though you dont have to break up with them, there may be some things that your parents do, that your wife does not like. You might think it is OK for your parents to advise or ask her to do things in certain fashion, but, it is NOT OK if she doesn't like it. She is a matured adult and can take care of her new family. So if you wish good of your parents, you have to "keep them at a safe distance." They should not interfere in your affairs.

4) You both husband and wife, need to handle each others parents in a matured way without insulting them. Both of you cant change your biological parents, but you can handle them diplomatically without insulting.

If this doesnt work, and you really want to separate, just tell your wife, that to allow things to cool down, you can live some place else for 3 months and assure her that you will take care of her and the baby. That will send a very clear message to your inlaws of the things to come. You just cant threaten to separate and run away.

Last, I do not know again how you treat your wife and inlaws. I dont mean to judge but do you treat them right? Why are they so desperate in this situation? Also I do not know any money transactions you have with inlaws, but, I would say, its not a good idea to involve inlaws in any kind of money. You invite 50% problems there.

Also I am confused, are you living in India or US?
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